Here’s the hard truth: Looks matter when it comes to dating.
Here’s another truth: Not as much as most guys think.
Take a look at what happened when I shared the results of my survey on Reddit, where I asked 101 women about men’s style on first dates.
People were actually offended that someone would suggest you wear something nice on a date!
Look, I’ve been doing this long enough to understand why people were upset.
Their mistake is thinking that the only thing you need to be successful at dating is looking good.
That’s not what I’m saying!
Great style doesn’t make the man, great style enhances him. I mean, how good is a phone with a beautiful matte black finish and gorgeous screen if it keeps crashing and never works?
Any man that’s been on at least a handful of dates knows that attraction and dating is complex. Yes, looks are a small part of it, but shared interests, conversation skills, kindness, etc, all factor in.
If you’ve ever met a woman who was attractive, but was completely nasty and cold to people, you know how fast physical attraction can disappear.
After my most recent posts on dating style, I’ve been getting emails from readers asking “Ok, I got my look down. But what next?”
To answer that, I decided to reach out to one of my good friends, Sarah Jones.
Sarah is the founder of Introverted Alpha, a company that helps smart introverted men attract women naturally without being someone they’re not. Introverted Alpha has been featured in Forbes, Cosmo, Business Insider, The Huffington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, to name a few.
And today she’s sharing the step-by-step process she teaches her clients to meet their dream woman. Enjoy!
Why is dating and attraction so difficult?
I was chatting with a site visitor the other day, and he said in somewhat disbelief, “I can’t believe I googled to find out if a woman is interested in me…”
I told him he’d be surprised by how many “normal” guys get help with their dating lives. But for some reason, there’s a stigma around it… which makes it even more painful.
This is unfortunate not just because of the feeling of pain, which is obviously not pleasant, but because if you’re approaching a whole part of life already feeling defeated, how much progress can you really make?
Deep down, you know that the answer is not much… unless you do something different and effective.
Being effective comes down to two things:
(A) having fun (I’ll explain below) and
(B) doing the right things in the right order.
Think about applying Peter’s style advice to your wardrobe… the more fun you’re having, the better it goes, right?
Same thing is true with any traditionally tough or heavy part of life, like an area where you feel you’ve been behind the curve.
For many men, especially for more reserved or shy men, that pain is nowhere more sharply felt than in the area of dating and attraction.
To get to Point B (attracting your dream woman) from Point A (a dating life with little semblance of dreaminess) requires a journey, and the more fun the journey, the more effective.
My job at Introverted Alpha is to make it FUN to become really damn good at dating and attraction.
The only way for it to be fun is to find your genuine values, qualities, and preferences and apply those at each step towards attracting your dream woman.
I’ll walk you through all 6 steps to attracting your dream woman here:
Phase 1: Attractive
BE AND FEEL SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE
It all starts with being and feeling sexually attractive.
Otherwise, what are you bringing to the table? What’s helping you in attracting your dream woman?
You must discern what is uniquely sexually attractive about you and showcase that in your presentation online and in-person.
Style is a great way to discover your personal “brand” and bolster your self confidence. As Peter points out, dressing well is a skill that helps you feel like MORE of yourself, not less.
Another way to feel sexually attractive is to take stock of the compliments that have meant the most to you over the years in terms of your appearance and presentation, your interpersonal skills, and your overall self.
That, plus searching for your deepest values can give you a full picture of yourself, of what you’ve got to work with when it comes to attracting your dream woman.
(Don’t worry; I’ll give you a 23-page ebook on this subject at the end of the post.)
Phase 2: Social
MEET AND CONNECT WITH GREAT WOMEN
Is meeting the right kind of woman a struggle for you?
You’re not alone.
71% of my readers say that when they hear the word, “Approach,” they immediately think, “Bars and clubs.”
The problem is that stops them in their tracks.
They’re reserved guys; they don’t LIKE bars and clubs. So this means only 29% have a fighting chance when it comes to meeting great women in the first place.
Meeting the right women for you in the right places for you is easier than you think, though. It’s just a matter of feeling out a few creative options.
For example, here are some places where my most reserved, introverted clients have found success:
- Partner dancing lessons and socials (salsa, kizomba, blues, ballroom)
- Sports and group hobbies (flag football, cocktail-making class, museum tour)
- Verlocal.com or EatFeastly.com (group classes and intimate chef-interactive dinners)
Once at a venue that’s your style and pace, you can make easy, natural connections that feel great for both of you by talking about the shared environment or giving her a sincere compliment.
For example, you can mention the music, the venue, the drinks… or you can tell her what you noticed about her.
This is so chill; you don’t need to go nuts with it. Think of it as a gift you’re offering her, very simple and clean. No pressure for either of you.
If she doesn’t respond much or if she seems to pull back, you can elegantly leave it at that: “I just wanted to tell you that.”
Then give her a sincere and relaxed smile and raise your glass, “Have a great night!” as you walk away.
This is just one example on the path to attracting your dream woman; the principle is to explore connections with women from a place of,
“I might be attracted to you; perhaps you are / would be attracted to me… let’s explore and see if there’s something here,”
… instead of,
“I definitely like you (even though I don’t know you, but you’re hot), and you probably don’t like me (because I’m feeling needy and comparing myself to a taller / handsomer guy in the room), so why bother? I’m going to get some more punch.”
See the difference? It’s about how you approach it.
Phase 3: Dating
GET NUMBERS AND GO ON DATES
When getting numbers feels natural, going on dates is simply the next step for both of you to explore a connection.
Here’s how to get her number in 4 seamless steps:
- Touch her before you get her number!
- Hint that you’d like to see her again.
- Remember why she would enjoy spending time with you.
- Pull out your phone, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”
It’s as simple as that.
Then when you’re planning the date, make sure it’s a backdrop and flow that feels good for you and that will feel good for her: beautiful lighting, pleasant people around, something delicious or mysterious…
That all will shape how she sees you since women are intuitive and pick up cues from their environment, melting it all into one experience in their feelings and minds.
Phase 4: At Choice
BE AT CHOICE IN DATING
The idea in this phase is to get so skilled and fluent in dating and attraction that it feels like the world is your oyster.
When you get to this point, women love you.
One way to get the ball rolling on feeling at choice, practice thinking about adding to her or offering something to her with no pressure instead of taking something away.
For example, you can offer an observation about her or the environment as a way to invite a conversation as I mentioned in Phase 2.
That is generous “giving” compared to “taking,” by asking questions you don’t care about the answers to as so many people do, especially when they’re nervous. (Hint: don’t do that! Everything you say should be sincere.)
Phase 5: Exclusive
After being at choice in “dating and playing” for awhile, you will meet someone you’d like to explore a deeper connection with.
You’ll be taking that next step in attracting your dream woman.
Sometimes that can feel like a lot of pressure, but that’s only if you’re not clear on what you want in a woman period and how you feel around a woman.
To make things much easier and more fluid, make a point to always pay attention at each date, each step, “Do I want to see her again? What do I want next?”
So much of the dating advice out there for men is assuming every guy just wants to get laid when the reality is, they want GENUINE connections.
So pay attention to how you feel at each moment, and only progress to the next step when you want to.
Phase 6: Partnered
In moving from exclusivity to partnership with the woman of your choice, you’ll be embarking on an awesome adventure.
You’ll be moving from attracting your dream woman initially to continuing to attract her and be attracted to her continuously, ideally in an upward spiral.
To do this, similar to when you were becoming exclusive, pay close attention to your felt experience with her day by day.
Does she make you feel alive and free, and does she uphold the values closest to you?
That will be your compass towards the most fulfilling relationship possible.
Once you get into a relationship, for many guys who are more private by nature, loyalty naturally follows. So pay close attention to who you devote your loyalty to. When you choose well, you’re rewarded every day. 🙂
Attracting Your Dream Woman: Your Road to Success
Hopefully, seeing all 6 phases laid out has helped you orient yourself to the process of attracting the woman of your dreams.
Consider, which of these 6 phases are you currently in? What do you need to do next to support yourself along these phases in a fun, effective way?
To help you with that, I made an in-depth, free “Dream Woman Attraction Bonus” just for Essential Man readers that expands on what we talked about today.
You’ll get a 23-page ebook to help you attract your dream woman by finding your sexually attractive edge (Phase 1).
I’ve also included additional gifts for each of the other 5 phases as well… more details on the best places to meet women, a 30-page conversation guide, the whole works.
I decided, why not make it an all-out fiesta? 🙂
Click here to get your free “Attraction Bonus,” and best wishes out there!