With boosters and COVID rates slowing down, it’s no surprise that so many of my clients have been hitting me up to get style help for their dating lives.
I wanted to help you guys beyond outfit recommendations and profile pics, so I reached out to my good friend Blaine, a professional dating coach, to ask her everything from approaching women in public, to avoiding coming off “creepy.”
Here’s what she had to say!
On approaching women in public
I recently sent out a dating survey to my readers. I was surprised by how many guys mentioned one of their biggest dating challenges is approaching women in public. What’re some tips you’d give guys on where to start and what to say?
I’m so enthusiastic about single men learning to approach women in public!
It’s a skill, but like any other skill it requires practice. It becomes easy and natural once you’ve learned it.
Here are a few tips:
- Eliminate expectations.
Especially if you’re already nervous about approaching women in public.
Don’t artificially add more pressure by telling yourself crazy things like “I need to get her number” or “I must make her like me.”
How she reacts to your approach is largely out of your control, and even if you’re Leonardo DiCaprio, many women aren’t going to be interested no matter what simply because many women aren’t single.
Your job gets 100x easier when you internalize that.
- Recognize that what you say specifically matters 100x less than how you say it.
If you smile, and hold eye contact, and say something genuine the next time you approach a woman, your interaction will be a win no matter what happens.
- Remember that single women genuinely want to meet awesome single guys.
This is even more true in-person than online: there’s no stigma to meeting on a dating app today, but most women I know would be much more excited to meet a potential partner IRL.
You’re depriving your future girlfriend or wife of that chance if you don’t introduce yourself!
How to avoid being “creepy”
My wife Sheena and I love your Instagram (@datingbyblaine). Sheena particularly loves when you talk about ways guys can avoid being creepy. Why is the “creep factor” a big deal for women? How can being more self-aware about this help a guy’s dating life?
These are great observations and questions.
To me, the “creep factor” usually boils down to miscommunication about romantic interest and intentions.
Basically, one person’s way of signaling they’re not interested doesn’t correspond to another person’s way of receiving the message.
One common scenario is:
- Girl who isn’t interested in a guy stops responding to his texts
- Guy hopes she’s just busy, not uninterested
There are absolutely less-innocent scenarios than this, but this is a common one.
Many women are better at signaling romantic interest than romantic disinterest. A good rule of thumb to build the awareness that can prevent creepy behaviors is: treat mixed signals as negative signals.
If you’re not sure she’s interested, move on. You deserve a partner who’s as excited about you as you are about her anyway!
What are some ways guys can avoid being creepy when approaching women in person? On dating apps? On a first date?
In my experience the men who worry about being creepy usually aren’t the creepy ones!
Most guys who worry if their approach is creepy tend to over-correct their behavior to the extent that they seldom approach women they’re interested in, or feel afraid to communicate openly about how they feel with women they like. This is a different problem with a different solution.
Still, it’s definitely possible to be creepy in all of the scenarios you mentioned. Here are a few tips to avoid being creepy:
- Approaching in-person: don’t stare and get in your head about whether to approach…go for it! Then just remember that if she’s not clearly reciprocating your interest and engaging with you conversationally, it’s appropriate to cut bait and let go.
- On dating apps: stop emotionally investing in women you match with on apps like Hinge and OKCupid. Matching ≠ connection. If a woman stops responding to you, she probably didn’t miss your message, and that’s OK! It’s never productive to attempt to convince a woman you’ve never met that you’re worth her time. Redirect that energy toward meeting someone who does appreciate you.
- On first dates: abandon preconceptions about what the date “should” look like (e.g. her feeling impressed; you being physical together at the end of the date) and just focus on being the best listener you can be. It’s almost impossible to be creepy if you’re actively and carefully listening to the woman you’re with.
Why your style matters to potential dates
You know I had to shift gears a bit to style! You’ve worked with thousands of guys now. Does style factor into a guy’s success in dating? Why or why not?
You don’t need to be a GQ cover model candidate to attract women, but developing a style that makes you feel confident can be a deciding factor in your dating life.
Most women couldn’t care less whether you wear a certain brand or type of shirt, watch, or shoes. If you feel great about your appearance, you’ll attract a lot of women no matter what you’re wearing.
And if you feel uncomfortable with your appearance, you’ll push women away no matter what you’re wearing.
Still, I often talk to my clients about “table stakes” standards that virtually all women will expect you to meet, for example:
- Your clothes should fit your body
- Your outfits should be occasion-appropriate
- You need to groom yourself at least to the extent you look healthy
Obviously there’s a lot more we could talk about here, but I think the other important callout is that the more your style compliments your personality and lifestyle, the better she can understand who you are, which is ultimately the purpose of dating.
How to really transform your dating life in 30 days
When’s your next masterclass, and how can guys learn more?
I teach a dating masterclass called Transform Your Dating Life in 30 Days a few times each year to help men learn to authentically market themselves with women, and attract partners they’re excited about.
My next session starts March 29th. You can learn more information about my program here. Thanks for having me Peter!